What the Fuck is On Your Head?

Who put this on me? Oh yeah, I did.

Since “pop music” really just means “I’m gonna say totally accessible shit over and over that someone else usually writes, but my costumes and stage shows are interesting”, it’s no surprise that Will I Am wore this outfit.

This is one of the dumbest/most ridiculous looking things ever, but then again, they write the dumbest/most ridiculous songs ever, so it totally makes sense.

People are angry that he painted his face black.  I’m not sure if that’s fucked up or not, but I am sure that this whole thing is really, really stupid looking.

He looks like a comic book movie villain.

It looks like someone tricked him.

Does he check out what he puts on his head before he does it?

I’m wondering if that dude behind him snuck up and stuck it on him before the picture, like a “kick me” sticky note.

Also, I don’t think he needs that microphone in his hand, because:

A) He’s not performing, he’s taking pictures and…

B) You know it’s just lip-syncing anyway.

Vaginal Art Class

I cum creativity.

“I have this weird thing that if I sleep with someone they’re going to take my creativity from me through my vagina.”

These words of incomparable wisdom are courtesy of Lady Gaga, if that is her real name (it isn’t).

This extraordinarily stupid idea was an explanation about why she didn’t have sex, relayed to Vanity Fair in a recent interview that the magazine did with Stefani.  I mean, Gaga.

(Another explanation would be because of “not hot”.)

Maybe it’s sort of like when Muhammad Ali wouldn’t have sex for the six weeks leading up to a fight, so as not to drain him of his ass-kicking life force.

And if she’s right, shouldn’t she bottle her vaginal fluids and sell them?  I mean, if that’s all it takes to make huge pop hits (besides writers, producers, dancers, record labels, and people who make the most atrociously ugly clothes in the entire world) it seems like that should be her highest selling product.

Bonus:  It’s impossible to download pirated copies of Gaga’s um…gaga(?) over the internet!

The craziest piece of information to come out of this, though, is that at some point Lady Gaga must’ve had a crazy three-way with Madonna and Cher involving full vaginal penetration.

I mean, that’s what she’s saying, right?

*Non-Bonus Track

Not a bonus.

I think it’s about time that bands stopped doing the whole “Bonus Track” thing.

I was listening today to one of my favorite bands’ new album and after the last song, there was a 12-minute break and then a minute and a half of random guitar noises, drumming, and some distortion.  Then the album ended.

That “hidden track” really isn’t a bonus at all.  Bonuses are supposed to be something extra and good.  Not something boring and pointless.

Bands need to realize that they didn’t improve their album at all by doing this.  All they did was burn an extra 8 megabytes on my hard drive and iPod.

So, like, thanks?

There are two exceptions that I know of where I actually got some enjoyment out of a “Bonus Track”.  The first was on Tool’s Undertow where each track between the end of the album and track 69 was a second of silence, and then track 69 was the most randomly absurd thing I’ve ever heard.

Then Stone Temple Pilots, on Purple, finished Kitchenware & Candybars with another completely off the wall, yet great, song that sounds sort big-bandesque about Johnny Mathis.

I feel like Patrick Bateman talking about albums this way.

Enough of the “Bonus Track”.  It’s done.  It’s over.  Let’s just go back to normal tracks.

And if that thing you’re hiding at the end of the album actually just sucks, maybe hide it somewhere off the album.

Dick-tenstein

"Hey, can I rent you?"

I think this is why other parts of the world hate us.

Rapper Snoop Dogg just tried to rent out the entire country of Liechtenstein for a music video shoot.

That’s right.  He tried to rent a country.

Not an estate, not a natural monument or beautiful piece of scenery.  He tried to buy out a country for a few days.

Someone needs to let Snoop know that Liechtenstein isn’t a ‘ho’.  You can’t throw money at a country and just have it.

Who even thinks of this kind of shit?

Do they have some board meeting where they’re all trying to come up with the most arrogant, cocky, outlandish thing in the entire world and they decided that renting a country would fit that bill?

This isn’t really even that gangster, considering Liechtenstein is so tiny – the country’s entire population is about 35,000 people.

They should have at least shot for something in the top 100, like Sweden or Portugal or something.

Trying to rent out one of the world’s smallest countries, if you’re a rapper, is basically like sporting a big wad of one dollar bills in a music video.

Aim high, rappers.  That’s what you’re here for!

Cut it Out, Godsmack

Tough Guys. Totally not bitches.

Godsmack has made a long and profitable career out of putting out very bad and very generic rock and roll.  If you don’t know their music, you can probably just find it on a compilation with Nickelback and Limp Bizkit or something.

They can’t stop though.  They’re forcing us to hear more “Nu-metal”.

They’ve taken their next shot at a big hit by using the Dave Chappelle method.  And oh yeah, that’s mine.  You can’t steal it.  Just kidding, this is the internet.  I can’t own anything.

The “Dave Chappelle Method” is basically just saying “bitch” in a public forum a bunch of times so that it will have that tinge of shock value and then people will just respect their courage to take that chance on offending other people.  Then some people will get mad and other people will write about it and all of a sudden, BAM!  #1 hit for the shittiest thing ever!  See, “The Chappelle Show”.

So their new song is called “Cryin Like a Bitch”.  There is no one in the world aside from 15 year old boys and dudes with jacked up pick-up trucks who could possibly think this is cool.  It’s just not.  They’ve made a career out of trying to sound tough, but I don’t really think they’re scaring anyone.  The whole genre that they were part of at the end of the 90’s into the 00’s was all about sounding tough, and basically everyone now just thinks it’s super fucking lame.

Because it is.

But here are some lyrics.  True genius, let me assure you.

And you wonder why
No one can stand you,
And there’s no denying,
You were crying like a bitch.

You were crying like a bitch.
You were crying like a bitch.
You were crying like a bitch.

Oh, Bitch.

For real.  The “Oh, bitch” is them.  Not me.  That doesn’t sound tough.  It doesn’t even sound angry in an actual adult way.  It only sounds like a kid is mad at his big brother and was doing an assignment to write a poem for English class.

But no, it was written by a 42 year old man.  And that, too, is not tough, in a very extreme way.