The Sanctity of Marriage

For as long as we both shall live...or 72 days, whichever comes first.

Who would’ve guessed it?  These two idiots are getting divorced.  Some people even care.

After 72 whole days of what was very likely the most intolerable marriage of all time, Kris Humphries and Kim Kardashian have filed for divorce, citing irreconcilable differences – possibly that she realized he didn’t currently have a job because of the NBA lockout or that he’s half white.

Between the wedding ring ($2MM) and the wedding itself, the costs of which are estimated between $10MM and $20MM, the Kardashian/Humphries marriage was a waste of somewhere between $167,000 and $306,000 per day.  That’s more than about 98% of Americans earn in a year.

It’s reported that neither the couple nor their families kicked down a dime for the wedding costs and that Humphries bought the ring on a substantial discount.  It’s also reported that they raked in around $17.9MM for the photo rights and the airing of the 4-hour long E! special documenting their “special day”.

This all being true, it’s hard to look at the marriage (her second) as anything more than a massive publicity stunt…a business deal.  Conservatives should be happy about it.  The free market decided that photos in People Magazine and an excruciating 4-hour long reality show are marriage the way god intended it, between a man and a woman and a bank account.

But with their logic, why would anyone even bother getting married without a profit motive?  Oh wait, that’s how marriage started!  But thank goodness that a few centuries ago god changed the definition to include only men and women – and only for the purposes of love and child bearing.  It definitely can’t be about money or tax incentives.  They wouldn’t give tax breaks to married couples, would they?

And what about marriages for U.S. citizenship?  That happens all the time.  But as long as it’s between a man and woman and not some homo heathens, it’s fine.

Let’s just make sure that no homosexual American citizens are allowed to marry for love and happiness.  That will definitely destroy the sanctity of marriage.  And then for Halloween your trick-or-treating kids will wander over to their house where the gay married couple will be dressed in bondage costumes and before you know it your strapping young son is listening to Barbara Streisand and thinking constantly about blowjobs.

Can we all just stop pretending that there’s any “sanctity” in marriage?  I’m not saying there’s no sanctity in individual marriages, there can be…and should be!  But with publicity stunt marriages, citizenship marriages, an astronomical divorce rate (which is higher in the reddest red states), and plenty of infidelity to go around, how can anyone argue that there is any sanctity at all in the institution of marriage?

I want to see an illegal Mexican immigrant get gay married for his green card.  That would make a Republican’s head explode.

Enraptured

Magic Carpet Ride

There is nothing going on in the world that has made me nearly as giddy as the Rapture that is supposed to be happening tomorrow. It is so hysterically funny that I’ve thought about it all day long and enjoyed every second of it.

Crazy person and church (cult) leader, Harold Camping, has predicted after a long and arduous study of biblical texts that the beginning of the end of the world will happen tomorrow, May 21, 2011.

Camping scoffs at those who think the world isn’t going to end until next year based on Mayan myth, calling their beliefs a “fairy tale”.  But Camping’s date is based on hard evidence from the Bible (not a fairy tale, right?) and has interpreted that evidence with a mathematical system of analysis which he came up with himself.  Hard to argue with such legitimate data.

And this is nothing like 1994 when Camping first said the world would end.  He made a mathematical error that time.  Now he’s got his system all worked out.  So, for sure, mark it down.  Count on it.  Tomorrow, we’re fucked.

The sad part is that a lot of people actually believe the guy.  In an interview with the San Francisco Chronicle, one of his followers, Ted Solomon, 60, said, “I’m looking forward to it.  This world may have had an attraction to me at one time.  But now it’s definitely lost its appeal.”

Only a religious person could say something so incredibly dark and depressing and think that they’re actually a happy, healthy individual.  The world has lost its appeal?  Now you’re counting on a god you’ve never seen to ride down to earth on a white horse or something and take you up to a heaven you can’t even coherently describe?

And what happens if he knows what you’ve really been doing when no one is around, Ted?  You know what you did.  You goddamn sinner.

When people like Solomon stare the stark, blatant reality in the face tomorrow evening that their world is going to be exactly as it was today, what then?  Past “end times” cults have seen mass suicides after their day of reckoning never came to be.  How many people will take their lives after Camping’s bullshit prophecy fails again?

Ted Solomon seems to be one candidate at least, sadly.  Don’t do it, Ted.  Give up your faith in ridiculous fantastical ideas, not your life.

Non-believers like me relish events like this because it’s an easily falsifiable religious claim…and we thought that was an oxymoron!

It’s also fun to watch the “moderate” religious people scramble to explain how guys like Camping are interpreting the Bible improperly or that they don’t understand the difference between literal and metaphorical interpretations.  Implicit in this, of course, is that Camping is just a nut – an outsider.  His religious views are clearly mistaken, extreme, and uninformed.

And then they’ll tell us how a man who was also god was born of a virgin who was impregnated by god who was also her son and then he died and came back to life for a while and that helped everybody and also a guy put two of every species of animal on a boat to save them from a flood.

Because believing that shit is waaaaaaaay less crazy.

But wait, there’s more bright side.

If the world does indeed end tomorrow, we can be happy to know that there will never be another episode of The Jersey Shore, never another Limp Bizkit album, no more Seth Rogen movies, no more LinkedIn messages in your inbox, and never another chance to hear Sarah Palin say something stupid in that absurd accent of hers.

Just think, if Jesus comes back and takes all the Christians up to space that will probably solve so many problems!  It will definitely help with overpopulation, probably end wars, improve our environment, and give people equal rights.

Us non-believers will have so much fun.  It will be like a shopping spree on leftover houses and cars and boats and stuff.  Just think how much you can make on Ebay selling all the blinged out crosses that rappers wear!

Oh, and if you think this is all one big joke, think again.  The most recent Pew Research study found that 41% of Americans believe Jesus will come back in their lifetime or their children’s lifetimes.

So while Camping will have obviously gotten the date wrong by this time tomorrow, 4 out of 10 of your friends think essentially the same thing as that insane cult leader.

If you’re reading this and you’re not worried that the world will end tomorrow, please ask yourself why, especially if you’re religious.

The answer probably has something to do with the fact that it’s a religious person predicting the end of the world and not a team of scientists, because you can be damn sure that if the world’s top scientists were saying it was going down tomorrow, we would all be making preparations instead of a small batch of suicidal lunatics.

Interesting that your religious mind doesn’t apply the same logical methods to things like global warming and evolution, isn’t it?

God Hates Bigots

Really? A straight guy designed the stick figure sign?

The Supreme Court of the United States has decided in an 8-1 decision that the Westboro Baptist Church does have the right under the First Amendment to the Constitution to hold anti-gay protests outside the funerals of dead U.S. soldiers.

Mind you, these aren’t the deaths of gay soldiers that the WBC is celebrating (I mean, protesting).  These people will protest at the funeral of any soldier.

Their signs say things like, “God Hates Fags” and “Pray For More Dead Soldiers”.

The logic?  Well, the United States, in its oh-so-staunch support of gay rights is sinning against God, and for this sin of allowing gay people to, like, stay alive and not be beaten by bigots like the Westboro Baptist Church, God likes to kill U.S. soldiers.

Makes sense right?  Every time a bullet from a terrorist pierces the skin of a U.S. soldier, and every time an IED explodes under a military vehicle killing the soldiers inside, it’s really just God exacting his vengeance for our society allowing “Queer Eye For the Straight Guy”, and Lady Gaga, and the WWE – you know, gay stuff.

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iSinner

HellOrNot.com

Sinner?

There’s an app for that.

Recently, the Catholic Church has given its stamp of approval to an iPhone app called Confession.

The application takes you through the steps of preparing to confess all your sins to your local Catholic priest.

It gives you a “customized examination of conscience” based on things like your age, sex, marital status, and vocation.  But as you might guess, no matter what your answers to those questions are, it always tells you you’re sinning if the question regards sex in any way, or meat on Friday afternoons.  The version I tried out seems glitchy actually.  It kept leading me to a black screen with a beautifully artistic rendering of Satan and the words, “straight to hell”.  I assume I’m not passing Go(d) or collecting two hundred dollars.  For the record, Satan is always scarier when he looks really well conceived.  Wishy-washy cartoony versions of Satan just don’t do the trick.

Not scary enough.It breaks down the different sins and even allows you to add your own if they’re not listed.  For instance, Catholic priests will probably find it extremely useful to add “child molestation” to the app, since it will make it possible for them to still pretend they’re going to heaven while allowing them to not actually admit it out loud.

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God Dammit!

God dammit!

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Stevie Johnson gave me, and all other Steelers fans, a gift yesterday in the form of a dropped touchdown pass in overtime.  Instead of celebrating the winning score, the Bills offense was unable to get the job done and the Steelers drove for the winning field goal.

Johnson’s drop was unquestionably one of the worst plays of the season, and even though it allowed the Steelers to win, I honestly felt bad for the guy.

Apparently not as bad as he feels for himself though.

And now he’s given me another gift in the form of one of the most hilarious Tweets I’ve ever seen.

After the game yesterday, Johnson found himself searching for answers and relayed this on his Twitter account:

I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO…

Throughout the history of sports, athletes have always attributed their talents, their accomplishments, and their victories to god.  They blather on at length about it in postgame interviews.  It’s more cliche than even the tried and true  “we’re just taking it a game at a time”.

But this is the first time, to my knowledge, that an athlete has actually stayed logically (if not intelligently) consistent and put the blame on god for a dropped touchdown pass.

So, Stevie, if you’re not sure what you’re expected to learn from this, I’ll tell you. Continue reading