That’s Not Hot

Yeah! High-five! We wrote our names on a piece of paper!

The Miami Heat are fun to laugh at.  Every time they lose it’s like a little Christmas for NBA fans of every other team…and Dwyane Wade is having a little trouble coping with it.

(Also, D-Wade’s mom, that’s not how to spell “Dwayne”.)

Full disclosure: I’m a lifelong Bulls fan who would’ve been happy to see the team sign Lebron or Wade in the offseason because Wade is a great player and Lebron’s an awesome talent.  So if you want to say I’m bitter, go for it.  You’re wrong.  Partly because the Bulls are better than the Heat right now anyway.

Yesterday, after their loss at home to the Chicago Bulls – a loss that made the Heat 0-3 vs. the Boston Celtics and 0-3 vs. the Chicago Bulls – Heat coach Erik Spoelstra reported to the media that his team was very emotional and saw some glossy eyes in the locker room.  Poor rich babies!  They lost a regular season game and are slowly realizing that they’re just not really very close to being a championship quality team!

Must be tough, what with their preseason championship celebration.  Lebron made himself look like a titanic jackass, reserving an hour’s worth of television time to his big “announcement”, parroting what sports announcers say and telling the world, “I’ll be taking my talents to South Beach”.  You fucking dork, Lebron.  It was maybe the dumbest thing I’ve ever witnessed in sports.

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God Dammit!

God dammit!

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Stevie Johnson gave me, and all other Steelers fans, a gift yesterday in the form of a dropped touchdown pass in overtime.  Instead of celebrating the winning score, the Bills offense was unable to get the job done and the Steelers drove for the winning field goal.

Johnson’s drop was unquestionably one of the worst plays of the season, and even though it allowed the Steelers to win, I honestly felt bad for the guy.

Apparently not as bad as he feels for himself though.

And now he’s given me another gift in the form of one of the most hilarious Tweets I’ve ever seen.

After the game yesterday, Johnson found himself searching for answers and relayed this on his Twitter account:

I PRAISE YOU 24/7!!!!!! AND THIS HOW YOU DO ME!!!!! YOU EXPECT ME TO LEARN FROM THIS??? HOW???!!! ILL NEVER FORGET THIS!! EVER!!! THX THO…

Throughout the history of sports, athletes have always attributed their talents, their accomplishments, and their victories to god.  They blather on at length about it in postgame interviews.  It’s more cliche than even the tried and true  “we’re just taking it a game at a time”.

But this is the first time, to my knowledge, that an athlete has actually stayed logically (if not intelligently) consistent and put the blame on god for a dropped touchdown pass.

So, Stevie, if you’re not sure what you’re expected to learn from this, I’ll tell you. Continue reading

Throw(them)Back(on)

1000 times better.

Every decade or so, a few teams in the NFL decide to “update” their jerseys.  They want to make a marketing splash, or maybe change the team’s image.

And almost every time, they end up looking ridiculous.

It’s like how Ford keeps trying to make a cool new Mustang that captures the essence of its old Mustangs, but just modernized for today’s consumer, without realizing that the only people who are going to buy them are strippers and midlife crisis guys.

This was especially big throughout the 90’s.  I can imagine the conversations in all the team headquarters.  They just felt like they had their fingers on the pulse of a trend…like how everyone in the 80’s thought electronic drums and the key-tar were definitely the future of music.

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Zoot Suit Riot

Excuse me, tailor, can you put four pockets on this picnic blanket?

The man in the middle is Deion Sanders, aka “Primetime”, aka “Neon Deion”.

After a stellar career as an NFL defensive back, while amazingly playing Major League Baseball as well, Deion has gone on to a long career as an NFL television analyst.

He’s 43 years old.

And he dresses like a complete jackass, still.

Like, Deion is just sitting there thinking, “I’m going on national television, where is my beige and yellow checkered zoot suit?  Yeah, the one with the four pockets on the right side (only two on the left).  Yeah, I think I’m going to do the yellow shirt underneath.”

Deion is dressed so absurdly that Michael Irvin, the man on the right side, looks like he’s dressed normally even though his suit is ridiculous by normal standards and he looks like he’s going to blast off.  Irvin used to set the standard for how ugly a suit can be for a television appearance.

Honestly, what is going through their heads?  It’s not “flashy”.  It’s not a fashion statement.

Fix it, Deion.  You look like a fucking jackass.

(But you were still the shit as a player.)

P.S.  I don’t know how I caught this picture with the heading, “What did we learn in week 1?”.  That was totally unintentional.  But hopefully Deion learned not to wear anything this ridiculous again.

Assho-Cinco

"OMG, look at my dumb hat. Check out my dumb fake name. LOL. Does everyone see me? :)"

Ok, let’s get this straight.

One of the coolest professions imaginable is professional athlete.  You may not agree, and that’s a perfectly acceptable opinion to hold, but I think, objectively speaking, that job is about as good as it gets.

One of the least cool jobs in the world, maybe the least cool job ever is reality TV show “star”.

That said, let’s look at Chad Johnson – I mean, Chad Ochocinco, wide receiver from the Cincinnati Bengals – who legally changed his last name to his jersey number, sort of.  His number is eighty-five, but in Spanish that would be “ochenta y cinco”, so his name means eightfive which is sort of nothing.

This guy is a bigger attention whore than Snooki from Jersey Shore.

The NFL has fined Johnson (I’m not saying Ochocinco) $25,000 for Tweeting twice during his team’s preseason game this past weekend against the Philadelphia Eagles, which as Chad Johnson knows is against league policy.

It’s also against any standard of good taste.  Chad Johnson loves the attention, I get it.  But it is so fucking dorky to be Tweeting like that.  I mean, dude is an NFL superstar.  He’s one of the most dynamic players in the game, or at least has been at times, and all he really wants to be is an attention whore reality TV “star”.

That is just about as lame as it gets.